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May 2013

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I wanna

drive as far as I can, as fast as I can get away. I hate this stasis sometimes- the job, the regular sleep, the sobriety, the incessant nagging to keep going.
I hate feeling like I have to have my razors in my pocket at all times. I hate the rather obvious bloodstain on my pants today at work, the panic, what if someone asks me why I'm spewing blood from my knee...
I hate wanting so bad to shoot dope, and the only thing stopping me is my stupid fucking conscience.
I wish I felt nothing.
Can the highs really be worth the lows?
I always knew I'd die young, I still have no concept of what I am going to be as a grown up, even (nearly) 2 years sober.
I kind of wish the world had ended while I was still moderately OK. Then I wouldn't feel so bad about where I left off.
Go to sleep, tomorrow is another day.
I need to quit being so fucking emo about shit.

Comments

The highs are worth the lows, if they are for you maybe you need counseling.
Do you see a therapist regularly?

After counseling and finding out I need a medication to help stabilize my swings my lows don't go nearly that low anymore and I an tolerate them and press on.


Bitch, whine and be emo here if you need too. This release helps, even if it's just emotional freaking out into cyberspace, it helps.