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May 2013

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Running Hot.

I've not been taking my meds again. Not going to go into the turmoil and utter bullshit behind this behavior, but I'll describe one of the results.
There is a mood I can fall into (tends to happen at work) in which I am unbelievably angry. Not at anything in particular, I think it's tied a lot to wanting to relapse. Everyone else is a spineless moron and I know I am better. I have control. My hands shake with excitement and andrenaline, I lick my teeth and glare. I don't need food, or cigarettes. I plot all sorts of awful things in my head. My smile becomes predatory because of all the things I could do, I could do ANYTHING. I hunger for sex, drugs and violence. I work fast and hard and move determinedly. I sweat from fury but don't feel heat, or cold, or pain. People think 'What a fucking bitch.' But I am all powerful while the anger lasts. Then it will be lunchtime and after I've sat down and relaxed for a few minutes, it's over. I go back to timid, unsure idiot-girl. My energy is completely drained. But holy fuck, is it good while it lasts. I don't think if I tried to explain it to someone, they would understand. I call it 'running hot'.
...I met a guy who used to use anabolic steroids, and I think he might know what I mean.